Begin Again

I have deleted and rewritten the beginning of this blog post several times. I am well practiced at beginning again.

This is one of those times: I used to blog, then I deleted it all and let things settle. The settling has to do with my on-again, off-again affair with writing (which is connected to my on-again, off-again, but increasingly more “on” affair of loving myself).

Why I’m back: I’ve decided to give this year the moniker “20-greateen.” I went to a Solstice party a few weeks back and realized that one of the things I’ve let go dormant is my ambition. I do only as much as I need to, lately, and not more than.

And I’m not being down on myself. I know I have more capacity. I also know my capacity drops in winter, was cut down by debilitating depression up until I started a medication in late ’16, and so on. And I know I am still doing good things. But, I know I have room for more. Or rather– I know where I want to make room for more. For things that I really care about.

A life of dormant ambition is not the kind of life I want to lead. I’m here to write about how I’m going to shake things up, take bold risks, and DO THE THING. I’m here to keep myself accountable to getting back into writing and living with gusto.

I love New Year’s resolutions. I love goals and planning and dreaming–but at some point to get to the dreams, I have to DO something. This is step one.  Here’s what I will DO:

1) Take on more responsibility with the organization I co-lead (Sex Positive St. Louis). Host events that cater to my particular interests within the realm of sex positivity (Women’s events, lgbtq events, sexuality+mental health intersection, etc.)

2) Stay off Facebook. I’m definitely addicted to the Newsfeed Scroll. My goal, since planning through FB can’t be avoided, is to log in for a couple hours once a week to catch up on the groups I care about and check my events calendar.

3) Develop a daily ritual around meditation. My brain has been nudging me toward this. I am ready to make it real.

4) Read all the books on trauma I can.

5) Continue to make moving my body a priority. It used to be and it’s fallen off and I don’t like it.

6) Write. Use the “prompts” materials I have as needed and just do it. Go through my written materials from the workshops I’ve been in and mine them and write more. Remember it’s the process, not the product. It’s the practicing, not the product. Remember it’s WRITING, not a product. Fucking capitalism.
6a) Maybe work toward submitting something. This scares me but I know I am a good writer (even though I don’t “FEEL” it…) so it’s time to put in the work.

7) Go to more concerts.

8) Find an amazing job as a therapist. I graduate in May.

9) Read a lot of poetry. And books. And online lit mags. This is what I plan to do instead of my incessant scrolling.

10) Make some kind of art. Any kind. Hang out with my little brother and have art dates.

Ten seems like a good amount of things to keep in mind. Ten is a solid number. I think I’ll write a blog about what I’m doing, seeing, hearing, reading, writing, feeling–once a week.

An aside: I forgot how self-conscious blog writing makes me feel. Who will read this? Who cares? Am I talking to you or myself? What even is blogging? That’s all. Til next time.